I have now entered my 2nd year of widowhood. I never thought I would survive the first year, but somehow I did. I don't say that with pride, but sheer astonishment. I really can't believe I am still living and breathing.
In the book, "The Prayer of Jabez," by Bruce Wilkinson, he poses a question: "If the God of heaven loves you infinitely and wants you in His presence every moment, and if He knows that heaven is a much better place for you, then why on earth has He left you here?"
That is a good question.
Why DID God leave me here?
Steve was far more intelligent and giving than I. He was a better parent. His gifts and talents helped people far and near. He loved life and was working so hard training for the Iron Man. He was valuable to our community, our church, and his friends. His dental team and patients needed him, his Sunday School class needed him, hurting people on the mission field needed him, our sons needed his wisdom, calm, and encouragement, and heaven knows I needed him like the air I breathe!
God should have taken me instead.
But He didn't. Why?
It's taken me a year to begin to distill an answer to that WHY. I believe God has left me here because my mission for Him here is not complete.
I've said it before; God never lets a hurt go unused. I am convinced that the hurts in my life will provide me the vehicle for completing my mission: to reach people for God. Through this blog, I touch people I've never met. I counsel the grieving and encourage them. I have a heightened sense of empathy for the hurting and am drawn to meet their needs.
As I step out of my “grief cave”, put myself out in the world, and open the eyes of my heart, I know that God will send me providential encounters with people with whom He wants me to meet and minister.
Do I have the complete WHY answer? No. I'm just going to have to walk daily by faith and know that, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18