Life Isn't Fair

Our heads know life isn't fair.  Unfortunately, our hearts still hold out hope that if we do the right things, are kind to people, and give more than we take that life will give us a "Get Out of Suffering Free" card.  Oh, how our hearts deceive us!

Sometimes...life is VERY unfair.
VERY, VERY unfair.
And when you're routinely knocked to your knees with a giant punch from the universe, it's hard to see past your pain and recognize the headache in others.

I am very ashamed to admit that I've let someone down who is going through a really tough situation in their life.

I've been so preoccupied with my own worries and anxieties and pain that I've failed to give this person the support they need.

Grief has made me selfish.  I've never been selfish before.  This realization disturbs me.

I must do better for those I love.
I will do better for those I love.

27
Cyna

It's Been One of Those Weeks

It's official.  I'm falling apart at the seams.

I've had three different doctor's appointments this week.

On Monday I was injected approximately 100 times with different venoms and shellfish while I was watched for 3+ hours for an anaphylactic reaction.  I left without incident, however all the pen marks and injection sites made me look like I had been hit repetitively with a mace and a waffle iron. Oh, the horror.

Wednesday was my annual "lady doctor" day.  My doctor is a dear friend, and I so enjoyed visiting with him.  However, the part where I had to get naked, put on a paper blanket and have my "personals" prodded and poked was a little invasive.  My good doctor wants to remove some parts...in the near future.  I kinda like my parts.  I have some decisions to make on that "end."

That very same day I made my yearly trek to the Imaging Center.  In honor of "Think Pink" month...I had my mammary glands pressed in a refrigerator door and further flattened with a vice for optimal x-ray advantage.  I'll get my results in a week.  Joy.

Today was my eye doctor's appointment.  I am pleased to report that all is well with my eyes.  However, I am a twitch more farsighted, so the strength of my mono-vision contact has been tweaked.  This appointment was gloriously brief and painless.

I'm still waiting on my rheumatologist appointment.  It was originally scheduled for December 20th...a lifetime for one with rheumatoid arthritis.  However, my incessant calling has garnered me a November appointment.  I believe if I keep calling...they will finally just get tired of me and work me in earlier...you know, the whole squeaky wheel theory.

Speaking of squeaky wheels...I blather on.  It's been a hard week, but I am blessed.  And those blessings are what keep me going...even when the going is tough.

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Cyna

Don't Give Up

I haven't posted in a while as I've contemplated the merits of continuing my blog.  I am conflicted.

Oh, I still have so much more to say...
But should I?

Twenty-seven months ago my world came to an end.
For almost 2 years I've shared every valley...pain...fear...heartache.
The grief journey never ends.
And honest to goodness...the second year was the worst.
But I've moved into year three...
Do I need to keep telling my story?
Do I keep writing so people know how this all turns out well?

I'm not "there" yet.  I'm still looking for my path.
I guess I expected God to have landing lights on the tarmac leading me to where I should go.  I've looked for bread crumbs...inspiration from music...scripture...even lucky pennies.

Let me clue you in.
The path...my path...is crystal clear to God.
I'm either not looking or listening hard enough to find it.
But it is there.
That I know for sure.

So I won't give up.
I'll keep my ears and eyes open...and my feet moving.
And if it still helps those walking behind me, I'll keep writing.

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Cyna

I'm Lonely

I’m lonely.

That’s probably not a shock.

I’m a widow.  It’s expected.

And don’t get me wrong.

My friends and family do their very best to make me feel included.

I also know that I could call a dozen people who would go with me to a movie, a meal, or shopping.

I love you all, but you are not my husband.

I’m like a solider who has lost a limb.

You can give me prosthesis for my loss, but it’s never the same.

It’s NEVER the same.

And I miss what I lost…feel phantom pain in it.

Several widows have mentored me, which is a blessing.

And I belong to a wonderful on-line support group where I can share my heart with fellow “amputees.”

They confirm that my feelings are normal…that I’m not crazy.

They get me and my aches because they are living it.

But nothing, NOTHING can take the place, in my life and heart, of what has been taken from me.

I am left with this unending solitude…this forever one-ness…even in a crowd.

It never ends.

I have no one to share my joys and burdens.

I have no one to bounce ideas with or share secrets.

I have no one to cuddle up against when it gets cold at night.

I have no one to look forward to seeing at the end of the day.

I can fill my waking hours with all sorts of activities,

But when I crawl into bed at night…

I am still a lonely widow missing the man who was amputated from my life.

27

Cyna  

Being Prepared for Death 101

It has been a while since I've posted.  I've been downsizing and purging and all the other headaches and heartaches that go with a move.

My Steve has been gone more than 2 years, but the red tape of his death still plagues me.  What really bothers me is that a lot of this could have been avoided if we'd done just a few minor things along the way.

My friends have encouraged me to share these, as they were completely unaware how very little things can become mountains to overcome when a spouse dies.  While it is my prayer than none reading this post will experience the untimely death of your spouse, I do want you to be informed and proactive.

1. Get every utility in BOTH your names with the word OR between them.  That includes power, water, gas, phone, cell service, alarm service, termite bond, etc.  Because all these things were in my husband's name only, I had to get them in my own name and pay a fee for my trouble.
2. Get every financial account in BOTH your names with the word OR between them.  This will include checking, savings, retirement, investments, etc.  If you don't, be prepared for a great deal of time and effort to get this settled.  Oh, and don't leave home without a death certificate and a Letters of Testamentary with you to get them in your name.
3. Get every automobile, boat, motorcycle, and property in BOTH your names with the word OR between them.  Dealing with the agencies that handle these things is a nightmare.
4. Get a will.  Today.
5. Make sure you know all your family finances...where your money is invested, how much debt you have, where all the legal papers are, and how and when bills are paid.  (Have your power turned off in the middle of a horrible thunderstorm because your late husband paid that bill by automatic bank draft and you didn't know that.)
6. Know where your tax documents are stored.  Know WHO your family accountant is and how to get in touch with them.
7. Begin NOW prepaying for your funeral...unless you have an extra $25,000 just laying around to pay that unexpected cost.  Go ahead and buy your burial plots, too.

I am sure there are more, but those are the ones that gave me the biggest challenge.  You will weather all of this.  You will learn how to handle the family finances on your own.  You will overcome all these obstacles.  However, you can make things easier for yourself by being proactive now.

27

Cyna

Good Timber

Early in our marriage my husband faced an adversity he didn't contribute to or create.  It was the first time I saw something throw him off kilter.  The unfairness of it all made me mad, but my anger would not have helped Steve.  All I could do was quietly support him.

Photo Credit

I gave him a card with a poem that I hoped would give him perspective.  Recently, while cleaning out his things, I found this very poem...weathered and worn.  For him to save it all those years, meant he read it when something new shook his confidence.  It it had meant something to him then...and finding it means something to me now.

Through that tattered paper, Steve was sending me a message...begging me to keep perspective...and not to let the unfairness of life keep me from being what I was meant to be.  He was imploring me to stand tall, even though the winds blow with force against me.

I needed that message today...just like Steve needed it so long ago.

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Cyna

Good Timber

by Douglas Malloch


The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.


The man who never had to toil
To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.


Good timber does not grow with ease:
The stronger wind, the stronger trees;
The further sky, the greater length;
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.


Where thickest lies the forest growth,
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.

Light on a Dark Path

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Writing this blog is my therapy.  I could keep it in a journal for my eyes only, but I don't.  I lay my hurt, fears, pain, anger, and other assorted unsavory emotions out there for the world to see.  

Some have questioned why I continued to write.

Yes, my husband has been gone two years. 

The thing is...I will always grieve.

Photo Credit

When I write about my grief, I’m not begging for pity or trying to get attention. I’m mostly sharing because you or someone you care about is going to lose someone they love in the near future. And when you/they do, the feelings will be just as grueling, unfathomable and misunderstood as the ones I've experienced. Grief has so many manifestations and there is no sorting out its complexities.  

But if my writings have given you any gift…I hope my honesty will help you or help you help someone you care about create light on this dark path of grief.

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Cyna