I am tired...all the time. I am tired when I wake up. I am tired throughout the day. I am tired when I finally fall into my bed at night. I didn't realize the fatigue of grief would come now. I expected it early on, but now...10 months later...I am paralyzed by it. I can't seem to catch up. I am slow, confused, and indecisive.... I feel like a zombie. I can no longer carry the crushing weight of my grief alone.
I've worked so persistently at being strong, and I really am strong. But I've discovered that grief is democratic – taking the strong and the weak equally, putting us all through the same hell. I don’t know why this fatigue has closed in on me now. Perhaps it is my body’s way of expressing the hard work of my heart and mind.
So, I'm going to push when I can, rest when I need to, and be patient with myself when I'm not firing on all my pistons. It is my prayer that as the daily crush of mourning eases, my energy will return and I will find myself clearer than before.