Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Fear of May

We cannot banish dangers, but we can banish fears. We must not demean life by standing in awe of death. ~David Sarnoff

May is going to be a difficult month for me. My wedding anniversary and Steve’s birth date is this month. In fact, they come back to back. As those dates creep up, I feel a rising dread. What do I do on those dates? Do I ignore them? Do I find a way to celebrate them? Do I curl up in bed and cry all day?

The uncertainty of not knowing what I should do makes me afraid. I don't like fear. It colors my life with a grim patina, which seeps into the lives of those closest to me. Frankly, I am not fun to be around when I am afraid. Just ask my sons.

Steve was not a man of fear, but of action. When I would fret and obsess over something he would ask, “What is the worst thing that could happen?” Once that fear was addressed, I could better move on to a place of strength. So, I ask myself, what is the worst thing that could happen as these momentous first dates arise? I could fall apart emotionally…. miss a day of work…. lie in bed and cry all day. Now that I say that out loud, it doesn’t sound all that bad. I went to work 3 weeks after Steve died. I’ve not missed a day all year; I do believe that people would say, “Finally…she’s taking a day for herself. It’s long overdue.”

So, what is there to fear…really? If grief hasn’t killed me by now, I’m probably going to make it. And my quote is right. I would demean Steve’s life to stand in awe of death. Steve would want me to live. LIVE. OUTLOUD!

27
Cyna

2 comments:

Melanie said...

I am honored to be your friend. Hugs, love, and uplifting prayers for you.

Cindy Williams said...

You are right, Steve would want you to live large just like he did! Celebrate the many wonderful memories you have of a great marriage and a fabulous husband! And if that means take a day or two off work, then do it! I am honored to know such a strong woman!