Monday, January 30, 2012


I've really been in a low place the last few weeks.  There's nothing like the bottom of a pit to bring you to your knees.  And for me, that where I needed to be.  You see, I've been leaving God out of my healing equation.  I've been slack in my daily time with Him and my meditation on His Word.

Yesterday, my daily devotion from Luke reminded me ONE thing is needful in my life - to sit at the feet of Jesus and hear His word.  Everything else is a distraction that pulls me away from this base need.

On my way to work today, I heard a song by Mercy Me entitled "Move."  I think those words were written for me.  Take the time to view the video below.

My devotion tonight confirmed the words of the song to be true.  In Romans 8:18 Paul says, "I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

In my last post, I wrote about closed doors, but God is telling me to look joyfully, expectantly forward, despite the fact I have closed doors in my life.  I cannot conceive of a happiness so deep, a pleasure so complete, a glory so glorious that my grief here is swallowed up by it. I just have to believe it.  

God, I'm trying.
Be patient with me...I'm a slow learner.


Saturday, January 28, 2012

Closed Door

It's getting harder and harder to write blog posts. 
I don't want to share what's on my heart because it's not positive.
I'm in a slump...a blue season. 
I can't really describe it, but I'm pulling inward. 
It's like I want to disappear.

I adopted the word PURPOSE for 2012.
I hoped it would make me look beyond my loss
and find something to look forward to instead
of looking back all the time.
But this new year has not been kind to me.

I see no purpose for me.
I am shrinking an inch at a time.
I realized that I am alone most of the time.
Even though my sons live with me
they have their on lives and I am only
marginally included.

When they are financially independent
they will leave me too.
They talk of far away places...
Then I will be completely alone.

I didn't know what a huge part of me died with Steve.
There is nothing that will ever bring that back to me.
I will never be the same again.
I will walk alone the rest of my life.
I will keep all my secrets inside.
I will tackle all my battles solo.
I'm a widow.

I'm a widow.
My door is closed.


Saturday, January 14, 2012

The Second Year is the Hardest

Everyone was right.  The second year of widowhood is the hardest.

Actually the second half of the second year.  I was making forward movement in my life until December...and life hit reverse.  It has been so disconcerting to know that all the progress I have made on creating my new "normal" has crumbled.

I thought the worse was over, but the reality of my aloneness is seeping into my marrow.  I hate not being able to discuss challenges or successes with my husband.  I miss the warmth of his body next to mine at night.  I ache for the tender kisses he would sprinkle over my eyes in the morning.  I just miss him more and more every day.

I will never fall out of love with my late husband.  He has imprinted himself upon my very soul.

So, how do I move forward knowing this?  How do I heal a wound that will never go away?

Like the song says, "How do I live without you?"


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Rain, Fire, and Ferocious Lions

Have you ever heard the saying "one step forward and two steps back"? Well, the past few weeks, I've felt like I couldn't get a break.  Of course, the holidays were many reminders of what I've lost...and that I'm alone.  But shoveled on top of that was some unexpected news.  The news was not good and I didn't like hearing it.  A whirlwind of emotions engulfed me and I wanted to share my load with another.  I wanted to call my friend and talk about it, but I couldn't.  Then I wanted to call my mother and have her pray with me and for me  - but again, I couldn't.  

So I remained silent.  Silence in adversity is one of the hard lessons I've had to learn in the last 18 months, and this situation was no exception.  I had to hold this "news" in my head and heart and it wasn't easy, but I endured.

And then I realized, if I had I called my friend I would have vented negatively and probably let this news become a festering blister of bitterness.  Had I asked for prayer from my mother, it would have only been because I didn't really believe what God had said was the outcome of this - in spite of what I heard.  So...I remained silent. 

Today I read a comment about complaining - it said complaining was evidence of unbelief.  I thought that was a powerful statement.  Phil. 2:14 tells us to do everything without complaining - complaining is just another way of being negative.  So even though the "news" is out, I am making a decision right now that I am going to choose to NOT complain or even talk about my situation.  I refuse to let this be a chink in my armor where Satan can wiggle his way in my heart and head. I simply have to trust God and know He makes all things right in His time. 
The Bible says it rains on the just and the unjust.  The Bible shows us that even the righteous are thrown in the fire and the lion's den.  What sets us apart is our reaction to it.

Father, continue to help me choose to be set apart, no matter how hard it rains, how hot the fire, or how hungry the lions.


Sunday, January 1, 2012


It's a new year.  Day one.  I wanted to start off the new year with a bang, but since I stayed in the bed all day and didn't get out of my pajamas, I'd say I pretty much fizzled.

But that is the great thing about living to see another sunrise...I get a fresh do-over every day.

I've listed aimlessly since my husband's death.  First, it was survival...then finding a semblance of order...and now I'm facing the reality that the direction of my life is all up to me.  It's time to find direction...a goal...a reason...a purpose.

I'm looking for purpose.  Real purpose.  God left me here for a purpose.  That is going to be my word for the year PURPOSE.

Maybe I'm destined to be an aging widow teacher the rest of my life.
If so, let me the BEST aging widow teacher around.

But deep in my spirit, I know God has more for me.

Father, I pray that in this new year you will reveal to me my purpose...
and that I have the eyes of my heart open so that I can see Your plan.