Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Okay. I admit it. I have allowed fear and uncertainty to dominate my life the past few weeks. All the "unknowables" of this new "life" I'm living have really pulled me down. I just don't "get" WHY God wants me to be a widow....WHY He wants my sons to be fatherless....WHY He took a good man away when there are so many rotten ones left out there. The Bible says in Eccleastes, "You do not know the path of the bones are formed in the do not know the activity of God." (11:5) I'll say AMEN to that.

Quite frankly, there's a lot in life I'll never know or understand, but I do know that God has brought me this far for a purpose. Psalm 3:5-8 tells me that I need to 'trust God from the bottom of my heart and not try to figure out everything on my own. I need to listen for His voice in everything I do. He is the ONLY one who will keep me on track. I don't know it all...nor should I want to. I need to run to God. He will make my body glow with health and my very bones will vibrate with life.' I like the sound of that....VIBRATE with life. I used be like that...and I want to be like that again.

So, knowing and understanding everything just isn't God's plan for me or anyone else. I've got to remember that it's not WHAT I know, but WHO I know that will prosper and protect me all the days of my life. I've got to put the unknown into God's hands and let Him handle the rest.


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Fly Away

"Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here." young Jenny from Forest Gump

My husband made all the major decisions in our life. He burdened all the worries, handled the finances, and protected me from anything that would make me fret. Only in retrospect do I realize what a charmed life I led with this wonderful man.

The last two weeks have been brutal for me. I placed Steve's headstone, spent a lot of time with my attorney (great guy...but all I do is sit there and cry), tackled my taxes (yes, very, very late...but I had 6 returns to get ready), and dealt with the blow of having the sale of my late husband's business, which had been in the works for almost 5 months, fall apart. Never have I needed my husband more. And I have no other man in my life that can help me shoulder these burdens. My father is dead and I have no brothers. While my sons are as helpful as they can be, I essentially had to do all this alone.

I finally crashed and burned.....curling up in a ball in my bed crying for hours. Like little Jenny in the movie Forest Gump....I wanted to be a bird so I could fly far, far away....away from all the responsibilities, worries, decisions, heart aches, lonliness, and pain.

Then a remarkable thing happened. A friend showed up....crawled right up in the bed with me and helped me cry. Then another friend came...and we cried as a trio. Finally, my mother, who lives 70 miles away, showed up. Then my sister-in-law (who has been a source of constant encouragement and strength for me) called. Then all my boys got in the bed and we became a flash mob of tears and togetherness.

I realized...."flying" away from here wouldn't lessen my grief, but it would take me away from the support system that has been my lifeline these long months since Steve's death. So, I'm counting my blessings....beginning with the 7 people who were physically or emotionally there for me when I "dropped my basket."


Monday, March 28, 2011


This new responsibility of being thrust into the world of solitary decision making is daunting and sometimes terrifying...but I am doing it, not always well, but I'm trying. I would prefer to bounce all these thoughts, necessary choices and responsibilities off on Steve, but I can't. So as I forge ahead with my life alone, I am finding these mountains that I am climbing difficult; but in someways, I am getting better at them. I am learning to trust myself and the belief that I can make these decisons alone....that I know what is right for my family. 

I have way too much on my plate.  My garage door opener is on the fritz, the back door has lost it's bottom seal,  the dishwasher is on it's last leg, my mailbox resembles the Leaning Tower of Piza, I need new tires, and I have a property that needs to be cleared, cleaned, repaired, and sold. Then there is the Mount Everest task...the sale of my late husband's business. I've got all these things to tackle and to say that I am overwhelmed is to call a severed artery a paper cut.  So, I'll prioritize the list, take them one at a time...and get them done.  

It's hard to believe that "if it's to be, its up to me."  But I'm stronger than I I press on.  "....But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Phil 3:13-14


Sunday, March 27, 2011


“Diversify your investments”
~John Templeton

I was asked recently what was one of the great lessons I learned from losing my husband. I knew what my answer was without hesitation: the importance of having a diversified life. Your financial advisor will tell you to diversify your investments, rather than putting all your "eggs in one basket." If one investment is lost, you'll still have others to rely upon.

The same is true in relationships. Certainly the relationship with your spouse should be your primary focus, but it can not, and should not, be your only relationship. I am a mother of three boys, and I lived in a house full of testosternone. My husband knew that not only was time with girl friends beneficial for my mental health, but also the positive tenor of our home. He encouraged me to participate in "girls nights" on a regular basis and to take a yearly trip to the beach with my gal pals....a tradition that has been going on for almost 20 years.

Thus, when my husband passed away, I had a fully developed support system of ladies who, even now, more than eight months later, are ministering to my needs and making me feel included even though I am flying solo. Don't get me family members have been wonderful, especially my mother, sister, and sister-in-law, but they don't live close enough to me to give me the daily encouagement I need.

So, if you haven't already, take the time to invest in friendships with other ladies...they may be your lifeline one day.


My First Blog Post

"Cathartic writing is like releasing the gauge of a pressure cooker. It enables you to ventilate and let the steam out, providing all important emotional release."

It's been eight months and 20 days since I lost my husband, Steve. We were married for 29 years and together for 33 years, which is esentially two-thirds of my life. Dealing with the grief from this loss has evoked so many emotions.....depression, sadness, hopelessness, fear, lonliness, helplessness, vulnerability, ah...the list could go on and on...

So, I've chosen to open my heart and put my primal screams on this virtual page. It is my hope that writing about my feelings will give me the emotional release that I need and will help me calmly move on with my life without Steve.