Saturday, June 30, 2012

Fifty Shades of Magic Mike

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Many of my friends have been reading with much enthusiasm the Fifty Shades of Grey series.  It is the hottest topic where ever two or more ladies are gathered.  And today, the long hyped movie Magic Mike hit theaters across America.  As I was walking in the mall today, I saw the ladies lined up in droves to see it.

Where does the widow fit in to this frenzy?  I do not intend to read the books or see the movie.  Why would I put myself through that?  I have enough reminders that I am alone.

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There is no substitution for the physical and emotional intimacy of your spouse.  Movies and books pale in comparison.

So, I will continue to be Fifty Shades of Alone...and there is no magic in that.


Thursday, June 28, 2012

Every Wall is a Door

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I took a step of faith and jumped off the edge of my comfort zone and took a chance on two things this month.  One was a great success and I will blog on that later...

The other...not a success...
But not a failure, either.
It has been a dead end for me.  For now.

Yes, I am disappointed.
Yes, I have lots of questions beginning with the word "WHY."
But I am happy for the person who was successful.
And she will have no bigger supporter than me.

I went into this leap of faith knowing that there were no guarantees.  
I knew that my skills, experience and dedication were not enough.
But I still had high hopes.

But God has a better plan for me.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best...
"Every wall is a door."

I'm anxiously awaiting my door.


Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Problem with Facebook

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Unless you live under a rock, you either know what it is or actively have an account.

Both my late husband and I had a Facebook account.  I've continued using Facebook since his death, but now I face a dilemma.  My account still says married...and while I still feel reality, I am not.  If I change my status to widow, I lose access to my late husband's account.

Facebook does offer the option of turning my late husband's page into a "In Memory Of..." page, but they don't offer to option of me being listed as his widow.

And page still says "married to"... and it will until Facebook comes up with a solution that meets my need to stay connected to my late husband's page.

It's one of those things I just can't let go of...


Thursday, June 21, 2012

Lessons from a Wise Man

My youngest son lost a mentor and friend this last week.  Due to his age, a ripe old 92, and declining health, his passing was not unexpected, however the loss still had an impact on my child.

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My son, Lee, attended a university 5 hours away from home.  His roommate and his family have become near and dear to him.  They have unofficially adopted him into their clan.  They have provided love, wisdom, intervention, and hope for my child.  I can say, without a doubt, that not only would my son not have graduated without their support, he would not have survived his father's death without them.

Lee's roommate's grandfather took a special interest in him...especially after my husband's death.  Lee needed a man guiding his life...someone close, impartial, wise.  My father has been gone 17 years...I have no brothers.  "Granddaddy" Callary filled that gap.  And I will be eternally grateful for the difference he made in Lee's life.

It is no coincidence that God placed Lee at the university he attended...nor was it a coincidence that he placed him with the perfect roommate...who had a family with love enough to go around to adopt a another son & grandson.

God is good all the time.


Saturday, June 9, 2012

Present Grief

It's been a long time since I've posted.
I really didn't have anything I wanted to share.
Well, I had a lot to say, but nothing anyone wanted to hear...or read.

I survived another round of special events without my birthday, our anniversary, his birthday, and my youngest son's graduation from college.  Frankly, I just didn't want to post how I was feeling.  People expect me to be finding a new balance in my new normal.  I didn't want to disappoint with bellyaching about my grief.

I've used busyness to hide my feelings, but now, school is out.  I have hours and hours of free time.  I have no plans for the summer.  No exotic adventures...good gravy, I can't even focus on a book long enough to finish it.  Oh, I made lists of all the things I NEED to do...even some things I want to do, but I just don't have the energy or motivation.  I'd rather sleep late and do nothing.  It's just easier that way.

I'm sad.
I'm lonely.
I miss my husband.
No matter how much stuff I stuff into my days,
I still come home to an empty bed.
I still face the world and all its barbed wire alone.

I am failing at life.
I am fading in life.
And it sucks a lot.

Robert Frost wrote, "The best way out is always through."
Well, I'm slogging through quicksand, thankyouverymuch, Mr. Frost.