Saturday, July 21, 2012

Courage to Start All Over Again

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” 
Eric RothThe Curious Case of Benjamin Button screenplay ~

For two years I have lived in limbo land...trying to live my old life without Steve.  Well, to a rational person, this idea was a fantasy that could not be a reality.  I now know it was just took me a long time to figure that out.  The reality is that I had to give up many fascists of my old life and make the best of the life I have now.

See the reality sign
that says SOLD?
So, I made (or tried to make) some positive changes in my life that took me way out of my comfort zone.  To my great disappointment, one didn't work out for me.  But the other, not only worked was a slam dunk.  

I bought a new house.
Well, make that a town house.
I closed on it Friday.
I'm leaving my adult sons behind in the family home and moving on (or moving on the east side).

Since I am in no rush to move, I'm going to do it a room at a time.  And, the old family home is getting the great enema...a purge of all the flotsam and jetsam that has drifted its way into every nook and cranny of our house over the 26 years we've lived there. I am going to toss the stuff without 
value and donate the rest. The Rivers of Living Water
Thrift Store is going to LOVE me!!!!

This move is my first step in starting all over again.
It's a giant leap for me, but I'm jumping without fear.
And that, my friends, makes me proud of myself.


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Death: The Gift that Keeps on Ungiving

It's been two years since I lost my husband.  You'd think all the red tape and run around would be over.  Wrong.

First, I couldn't get car tags because my husband was dead and the cars were in his name.  So...I had to get my "Letters of Testamentary" to prove I was the recipient of his these cars didn't already belong to me.  Then, one of the car titles has been relinquished to the state of Tennessee.  Tennessee?  Geeze...what's up with that?  I have never lived in Tennessee.  So, I can't get a tag for my car because the title is in Tennessee.  They give me a number to call and wish me a good day.  ( my day is going to get better.)

So, I plod out into the hall of the County Annex and ring up this number.  I need to figure this mess out while I'm here. Of course, I get a recording...and the only options are web addresses.  I can't speak to a real person. I tear up.  I'm a widow...give me a break.  I go back in and ask another person to help me...while I'm explaining my situation (with a distinct tremble in my voice) a supervisor overhears and offers to call on my behalf.  I am so thankful...  Unfortunately, it's going to take several days to figure out what is  wrong.  Probably a clerical error in Montgomery.  Which causes me to have to return to this place when THEY figure THEIR mistake and hope it happens on or before my tag expires on July 31st.

Later in the day, I call AT&T to see if I can get a better rate on my cell plan.  When they find out that my husband is dead they tell me that my unlimited data plan is now null and void if I take it out of my husband's name.  So, I say...okay, I won't take it out of my late husband's name...and then they tell me if I don't make changes within 7 days they will cut off my phones because the guarantor on the account is deceased...and I have to drive to an office and fill out paperwork to see if they will approve me for a contract.   Now mind you, I have been paying said plan since Steve's death for TWO YEARS...I reported his death when I had his service discontinued...and now BAM...I'm going to lose my current unlimited contract and it's going to cost me MORE than before. 

Go ahead, AT&T Wireless....kick a widow when she is down.  
Yeah...kick me...again and again.

Death...the gift that keeps on ungiving.


Monday, July 16, 2012

Regret or Rejoice

Photo Credit

Times, they are a changing...
Yep, I'm taking a big step this week...
A huge leap of faith into my new future.

I should feel afraid, anxious or overwhelmed.
But a sublime peace has settled over me.
It's the most peace I've felt in more than two years.
And it feels pretty darn good.

I'm tired of regret.
It's time to rejoice.


Friday, July 6, 2012

Second Angelversary

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”  
Washington Irving~

Yesterday was the second anniversary of Steve's death.  There was an outpouring of love from my friends and family.  A friend kept me occupied all day so that I would not lay in my bed and feel sorry for myself.  She and I reminisced about Steve...laughed over the funny things he would do and say.  We talked about what we missed most about him.  It was a positive remembrance.  I was able to remember Steve with joy instead of tears.  


The longer Steve is gone, the more I am able to focus on all the great memories we made together.  Our life together wasn't perfect, but it was imperfectly perfect for us.  I was so blessed for the time I had with him.  I am choosing to remember his life rather than his death...his accomplishments...his quirky sense of humor...his generosity...his eternal optimism...his passion for life...his love for his family...his devotion to me...his unshakable faith.

This would be how Steve would want to be remembered.
And I honored him on his angelversary by doing exactly that.


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I Am Not There

On July 5th my husband will be gone 2 years.  Two years!  I'm still looking at the door, waiting for him to come home.  It's just not real...

Someone said to me yesterday, "Steve would want you to be happy...enjoy life."  She is right.  My head knows this, but my heart says, "But how can I be happy and enjoy life without Steve?"

I found this poem on the internet.  It really spoke to me...spoke for Steve.  These things I need to hold in my head until my heart catches up.



Photo Credit


Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
Of quiet birds circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry. 
I am not there. I did not die.
                                - Robert Hepburn (In Memory of Norbert C. Gessner)