Wait, I say...

The last two months have been a roller  coaster ride for me.  I am no less a widow now than I was a year ago, but for some reason it hurts more.  People who love and care about me are worried.  I have not been myself.  I am usually a giving and upbeat person, but the reality of my situation and the crushing weight of my responsibilities have made me myopic and cynical.  

I don't like this person I am becoming.  

Photo Credit:  John Turner

I don't like scaring my friends and not meeting their needs.

I don't like living by circumstance and not by faith.

I don't like being in stasis.

I don't like the uncertaintity of my future. 

A dear friend shared some words of wisdom about my fretting over the future…

"Remember nothing has to be planned or thought about until you are ready, and I promise girl, you will know when that is. 

You will wake up one day and say, 'Okay self, this is my life and I will be the new person that I am.  I have changed, I am different, and I am responsible for me and Gracie  [my dog] and that is it.  I will live my life one day at a time.  And I will be nice, helpful and my emotions will level out.'  

The world WILL stop spinning and you will adjust to this new roller coaster ride and things will even out.  Do not look for a reason why Steve [my late husband] is gone, but for a reason to go on.

We are all different in the way we handle our “stuff” and you will do a great job at your “stuff” when you realize you can really do this.  You will enjoy new things, different things. Do not overwhelm yourself with plans, plans, plans.  

Take time for You.  Always make time for you."

Reflection has made me realize that I am running way ahead of God hoping He will catch up with my plans.  The fact is, God doesn't hurry just because I am impatient.

Photo Credit:  Project 365 Challenge

I have heard it said that the scriptures speak to us, but the Psalms speak for us.  "Wait upon the Lord: be of good  courage, and He shall strengthen your heart:  wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalm 27:14

Every question that has been on my heart of late is answered in that passage:

What will my future bring?  Wait on the Lord.

When will my grieving end?  Wait on the Lord.

How will I ever survive in this world without my life mate?  Wait on the Lord.

How do I handle this situation that is weighing heavy on my heart?  Wait on the Lord.

I know that my answers are not coming tomorrow, but I do know that the strength that God has promised to me as I wait is certain.  God is never late and He is never insufficient.

Oh, Father, give me the wisdom to wait on You.

27

Cyna

Reflections on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day.
It's a day that those who are alone dread.
I was no exception.
I decided to pretend it was just any old day.

But it was not to be...

You see, son #1 showed up at my school with roses and candy for me.
Ah...
The joy of being remembered.
The blessing of being loved.

Then son #2, who was vacationing with his girlfriend in New York, sent a three word text...
"So, I'm engaged."
Oh.
Double oh.

This is the woman I prayed for to be my son's life mate.
She completes him in every way.
She is kind, positive, forward thinking and caring.
I will be honored to be her mother-in-love.


A day I dreaded turned out to be a day full of blessings.
My heart is full.

An Open Letter to Myself

Dear Me, 

You don't have to put so much pressure on yourself. You don't have to know right now what is next, how it is all going to work out and where you will be a year from now. 

Trying so hard to have all of it figured out can be exhausting, discouraging and even paralyzing. What if today, we just decide that where we are RIGHT NOW is exactly where we are supposed to be, and that knowing that is enough. What if we let the need to control go and if we let the need to know every piece of the plan go, and if we let attachments to specific outcomes go. 

What if we just TRUST? 

We can do our best to make plans, goals and strategies. Those are all very good things. When goal making stops feeling peaceful, when it stops feeling like progress, when it stops feeling right and starts feeling yucky, we need to really examine when its time to let go and just trust. 

Everything always works out somehow. It just does. Be at peace. You are so very blessed.

Sincerely,

Me