Fairytales

Fairytales...

I've lived a few of them.

My parents created a wonderland of security and comfort through their mutual love for each other and for my sister and me.  While I didn't appreciate it then, as I look back with adult eyes, I marvel at what a perfect childhood I had.  My parents gave me firm roots.  They had a bit of trouble with the wings part, but as a parent, I now appreciate that.

My childhood was my first fairytale life and while my childhood ended, I still, even today, reap the benefits of that life.

My marriage was my next fairytale

Steve and I had a storybook meeting...a blind date that would have never happened had we not been snowed in.  Snow...in the deep south.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Our life followed the true fairytale course...courtship, engagement, marriage, children, career success, etc.  There were "trolls" under some of our life's bridges, a wicked witch with a poison apple and few other dragons to slay to make our marriage work.  With a little bit of fairy dust and a lot of work, we endured.

This fairytale ended with Steve's death.  

Is there another fairytale for my life?  Is God's finger still writing?

I find myself looking so longingly at the pages of my ended story, that I don't think I would see a new story even if the book fell open before me. 

It's hard to move forward when you keep looking back.

I want a new fairytale.

Oh, Lord, what do you have planned for me? 

27

Cyna

Rising after a Fall

What titles describe me?  Mother, daughter, sister, sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, aunt, niece, cousin, friend, teacher, widow...

So many titles....but I focus on the one:  WIDOW.

While being a widow will always be a part of my life's story...does it define me?  

Is that all I am?

Why, no!

So why do I make that title so important?

Would it diminish my love for Steve to choose to view myself as ME rather than me the WIDOW?

Steve's death certainly caused me to fall,

but I am rising.

How does the world define me now?

Unbreakable

Losing my husband shattered me. 

My heart was battered.

My spirit hopelessly broken.

Over the last 15 months God has slowly put the broken pieces of my life back together.  I do believe this would have been a more efficient process if I had put Him completely in charge...but sometimes I forget the job of God is filled.

It's all about TRUST.  I begin to heal when I trusted God...His reasons for taking Steve...His promise to never leave me or forsake me...His plan for my life and future.

I've been listening to a Contemporary Christian band named Fireflight.  Their song, "Unbreakable," really speaks to me and mirrors my feelings on my journey toward wholeness. 

I am ready to be UNBREAKABLE.

27 

Cyna  

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going

But faith is moving without knowing

Can I trust what I can't see?

To reach my destiny

I want to take control but I know better 

God, I want to dream again

Take me where I've never been

I want to go there

This time I'm not scared

Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable

No one can touch me

Nothing can stop me

Forget the fear it's just a crutch

That tries to hold you back

And turn your dreams to dust

All you need to do is just trust

This much I know is true…

Becoming a widow has changed my perspective in life, but my core values and beliefs have changed very little.  Below are some truths that are steadfast with me.  These are just "stream of consciousness" and are not in any organized order.  Some are serious...others are whimsical...but each expresses my heart.  Enjoy!

• Choosing to smile will make you feel better.
• Words hurt worse than sticks and stones.
• Cherry Limeade from Sonic cures depression.
• Ninety-eight percent of the things you worry about never happen.  The things that devastate you are ones you never imagined happening.
• Failure only happens when you quit.
• Forgiveness doesn't let someone off the hook...it gets their hooks out of you.
• Being authentic is liberating...and takes a lot less effort and money than trying to be someone you're not.
• Socks do disappear in the dryer.
• People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
• Friends are the family you get to choose.
• Being a whiner doesn't solve your troubles, but it does make people want to avoid you.
• You can judge a person's character by how they treat someone who can't do anything for them.
• You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
• A person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.
• Mistakes are proof that you are trying.
• Be kinder than necessary.  You never know what private battles a person is fighting.
• Any statement followed by the word "but" is a lie.
• It's okay to say NO.
• When life knocks you to your knees, it's probably a good time to pray.
• You can't do everything, but you can do something.  Choose to do something everyday that helps someone.
• We are all guilty of underestimating the worth of people we love.
• People who take joy in hurting others have massive self-worth issues.
• Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
• Coffee is liquid sunrise.
• Never settle.  Never.
• Talking about isn't as important as praying about it.
• It's important to listen to the whispers of your heart.
• Your life is about a good as you decide it's going to be.
• Never quit learning.  A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
• Love IS the answer.

27

Cyna

Live and Move

A year ago I was so consumed with grief that every movement was painful.  However, I knew that if I ever stopped moving that I would never get up.  So, I got through each day minute by minute.  

Then hour by hour.

Then day by day.

Sure, I was only going through the motions...but at least I was in motion. I was alive and functioning at a minimal level, but it kept me moving.  And moving helped me relearn how to live.

Then one day, I woke up and I had a buzz of energy.

Shock. How could this be?

Guilt set in.

I must be breaking all the rules of widowhood.

But the buzz of energy remained

And after a while, I admitted to myself

That it felt deliciously good.

And so through this year I have slowly eased back into life.

No, it's not the same life.

My husband's absence is always evident

And I miss him dreadfully.

But every moment of my day

Is not clouded by the patina of grief

nor is the undertow of pain so overwhelming.

Little by little

I'm loosing my hold on a past I cannot keep

And getting on with the life I have.

27

Cyna

Upcycle

Okay, I'll admit it.  I've become addicted to Pinterest.  

If you're not familiar with this site, Pinterest is a Virtual Pinboard. It lets you organize and share all the beautiful things you find on the web. Best of all, you can browse pinboards created by other people and get inspiration and great ideas from them.

I've become quite enamored with "upcycled" things...taking things you would throw away or buy at a thrift store or garage sale and turn them into something useful or beautiful.  You know what they say, one person's trash is another person's treasure...

I like the whole UPCYCLING idea.  

Cast away to keep sake.

Trash to treasure.

Useless to useful.

God is the Master upcycler.

He can take this damaged life of mine and breathe something wonderful into it.

I don't know God's timing, but I do know His intent:

"For I am about to do something new.

See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?

I will make a pathway through the wilderness.

I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." ~~ Isaiah 43:19~~

I'm ready for my UPCYCLE, Lord.

I'm trusting in Your will and schedule.

27

Cyna

Who shares your umbrella?

This past week during my fall break vacation to the beach we had a miserably rainy day.  The fog rolled in over the ocean and the low spots quickly filled with water.  There would be no beach bathing for us this day.

Not to be outdone by this storm, my friend and I ventured out to shop.  The problem was, we only had one umbrella, which we were determined to share. We giggled the whole way, each of us holding the umbrella in the middle.  Dashing from our car to the stores and stepping over (and sometimes through) the puddles, we made a good day of it together.

We came back to our condo a wet mess, but full of packages and bags.  The day was a success and I was glad that we didn't avoid the storm by staying inside.

That's how it's supposed to be, I thought. None of us are meant to walk through the rain alone. 

For too long, I tried to walk through the storm of my grief alone.  I was determined to carry the umbrella solo.  I don't know if I was too proud to ask for help, afraid my grief would scare people away, or simply didn't know what I needed.  How stupid of me to waste those months.

Jesus calls us to that middle place. He asks us to take hold of that handle. "Love one another," he says. One another--that's two people under the umbrella, giving and receiving and carrying the load together.

I have some friends that are going through some pretty bad storms in their lives right now.  It's time for me to hold out the umbrella and help share their load.

No storm lasts forever.  Eventually the skies will clear and we'll share the joy after the rain.  Maybe a rainbow will appear or we'll jump in a puddle or two.  And we'll be glad that we shared the umbrella together.

27

Cyna