Fifty Shades of Magic Mike

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Many of my friends have been reading with much enthusiasm the Fifty Shades of Grey series.  It is the hottest topic where ever two or more ladies are gathered.  And today, the long hyped movie Magic Mike hit theaters across America.  As I was walking in the mall today, I saw the ladies lined up in droves to see it.

Where does the widow fit in to this frenzy?  I do not intend to read the books or see the movie.  Why would I put myself through that?  I have enough reminders that I am alone.

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There is no substitution for the physical and emotional intimacy of your spouse.  Movies and books pale in comparison.

So, I will continue to be Fifty Shades of Alone...and there is no magic in that.

27
Cyna

Closed Door

It's getting harder and harder to write blog posts. 

I don't want to share what's on my heart because it's not positive.

I'm in a slump...a blue season. 

I can't really describe it, but I'm pulling inward. 

It's like I want to disappear.

I adopted the word PURPOSE for 2012.

I hoped it would make me look beyond my loss

and find something to look forward to instead

of looking back all the time.

But this new year has not been kind to me.

I see no purpose for me.

I am shrinking an inch at a time.

I realized that I am alone most of the time.

Even though my sons live with me

they have their on lives and I am only

marginally included.

When they are financially independent

they will leave me too.

They talk of far away places...

Then I will be completely alone.

I didn't know what a huge part of me died with Steve.

There is nothing that will ever bring that back to me.

I will never be the same again.

I will walk alone the rest of my life.

I will keep all my secrets inside.

I will tackle all my battles solo.

I'm a widow.

I'm a widow.

My door is closed.

27

Cyna

The Second Year is the Hardest

Everyone was right.  The second year of widowhood is the hardest.

Actually the second half of the second year.  I was making forward movement in my life until December...and then...my life hit reverse.  It has been so disconcerting to know that all the progress I have made on creating my new "normal" has crumbled.

I thought the worse was over, but the reality of my aloneness is seeping into my marrow.  I hate not being able to discuss challenges or successes with my husband.  I miss the warmth of his body next to mine at night.  I ache for the tender kisses he would sprinkle over my eyes in the morning.  I just miss him more and more every day.

I will never fall out of love with my late husband.  He has imprinted himself upon my very soul.

So, how do I move forward knowing this?  How do I heal a wound that will never go away?

Like the song says, "How do I live without you?"

27
Cyna

Shoulders

I never realized how broad my husband's shoulders were until he was gone.  He cradled my head in the crook of his shoulder and I would nuzzle in comfort in the hollows of his neck.  I felt safe there...harbored from all the hazards of life.  He carried all the real weight in our marriage.  While I felt so helpful doing this and that, too late have I realized how trivial were the things I did compared to what he did.  

Now, I shoulder life alone.  

No comforting hollows to make me feel safe.

No help with the heavy load of life.

How am I going to do this without him?

27

Cyna