Lonely in a Crowd

The loneliness of widowhood is beginning to slowly seep into the hollows of my heart.  It is a disheartening and distressing realization.

I’ve always been a loner.  I, weirdly enough, enjoy my own company. 

But I know it isn’t healthy or wise to cloister myself in my home.

However, that is where I feel the least alone.

You see, I’m lonely in a crowd.  

I live in a world built for couples,

But I’m the unaccompanied single

The one who sticks out like a sore thumb.

It’s a tentative place to be.

It’s a place I’ve begun to avoid.

I had several invitations over the Labor Day weekend

A party.  A football get-together.  A cookout.

Each I declined, or, in very bad taste, just didn’t show up.

I just couldn’t muster the strength to plaster on my smile

And be with a crowd of happy people.

My friends and family were so sweet to include me,

And I am a total twit for staying home

and feeling  sorry for myself

and sleeping away my long weekend.

How do I push through this?

How do I learn to be okay as a single in a crowd?

How do I find group activities that don’t make me feel

Like a square peg in a round hole?

I’m not finding those answers easily.

But this I know…

I HATE BEING A WIDOW.

I HATE BEING A WIDOW.

I HATE BEING A WIDOW.

But that is what I am.

27

Cyna