Grief and the Holidays Survival Guide

The holiday season is upon us and for those grieving the loss of a loved one...this normally festive time can be a source of heartache and pain.  Today, I am sharing some holiday management tips for anyone grieving the loss of someone they love this holiday season.  These tips come from The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation, a wonderful organization that helps the bereaved...me included.  Please check out their site and programs, especially Camp Widow.  I attended Camp Widow last spring and it was a wonderful healing experience for me.

1. Give yourself permission to feel how you feel about a particular holiday, or the holidays in general. Mixed feelings are normal too...you may find yourself okay one day and not okay the next. Try to go with the emotional flow.
2. Don't be afraid to consider doing something totally different for this year or one for one particular holiday. You are living with changes to your holidays that you didn't choose...why not make some you do choose?
3. Feel free to add tears to any recipe. Really. Sometimes a good cry is just what you need when smelling, cooking, or eating your loved ones favorite dish. A change of scenery sometimes makes a difference. If you are feeling blue, plan an outing that has nothing to do with holiday cheer just for a respite from the holiday buzz.
4. Identify what your grief triggers are in regards to the holidays. It is easy to say, "Everything!"...but what are they exactly? Family time? Traditions? Lights? Certain foods? The more information you are armed with the better....knowing is so much better than NOT knowing where your "grief bruises" are located!
5. Give yourself permission freely: to change things, to keep them the same, to stay home, to go out, to skip a portion of an event or to skip the whole thing...allow yourself to consider what you need, then give yourself the permission to DO it...or not do it....whichever works!
6. Remember that there is no such thing as the "perfect" holiday. No matter what the commercials on TV tell you. It may appear that everyone else has it all, but we are all just humans doing the best we can. This is not meant to minimize the loss you feel, but rather to point out that romanticizing the holiday season is a very easy trap to fall into.
7. Revel in small comforts. Allow yourself to get momentarily lost in a cup of hot chocolate, a hilarious moment, or a movie you love. Even small doses of calm will improve your overall ability to move through the holiday season.
8. Make plans. Watch a movie at home or go to the park or take a walk or have lunch with a friend...making even a small plan helps you take some charge of your days.
9. Take the holidays one at a time. Try not to lump them together. Rather than think of the long lead up to the end of the year, try taking it just one day at a time.
10. Practice gratitude…especially when you don't feel like it. Find just one thing every day that makes your heart swell.
11. Give your feelings about the holiday season room; space to just be what they are without trying to change them.
12. Get outside. Literally. Take a walk, get out of the house, go for a drive....when you feel overwhelmed by the idea of not spending this holiday with your loved one a change of scenery may be a balm for your aching heart.
13. What is your plan for the holiday dinner? Maybe you can have a meal with other friends and neighbors who don't have a place to go for the holiday. Your invitation might be totally make their day!
14. Accept love, time, and invitations from friends who lift you up. Community matters.
15. Think of ways to include your loved ones memory in your holiday celebration. Whether you cook their favorite pie or ask family members to share something about your loved one for which they are grateful...including someone you miss, in even a small way, acknowledges the gift they have been in your life. That gift is on-going...you never lose the love.
16. Plan an escape route. You may need a minute during a holiday celebration to let the tears fall. Just like on a plane...identify your nearest exit and be prepared to use it if needed! Taking a short break sometimes makes all the difference.
17. The day before a holiday can sometimes be harder than the day itself! Knowing that families everywhere are preparing to share the day with loved ones, and imagining the joy of holidays past can lead to a tearful day for those missing a person they love so much. Grab onto the memories and remind yourself of why they are precious to you. Imagine a funny moment with your loved one and replay it as many times as needed. You can do this!
18. Try not to let what you don't have rob you of the joy you get from what you DO have. Make a memory today that you will cherish tomorrow. Remember that so often when we lose someone we grieve the small, everyday things...don't let those slip through your fingers today. Celebrate your love by loving.
19. Don't be surprised if you have a "grief hangover" the day after a holiday. Emotional days can take a toll physically. Get outside, do some good self-care, and give yourself a break the day after!
20. Holiday decorations are going up all over the place! So, create a safe place in your home. Decorate or don't decorate; buy a candle you love; let the kids decorate however they like; create a decor free spot where you can retreat; make your space, YOUR space. When you are traveling through your day in an environment you can't control...know that you are going to return to the safe space you've created. Now, go make your safe haven!
21. Allow yourself to have fun...do something you love. Doesn't have to be a big deal, but taking a fun time out will improve your coping stamina.
22. Holidays are often accompanied by a sense of obligation. In your past life maybe you never missed Aunt Mae's holiday bash, you put up decorations on a specific weekend, and you had your gifts purchased and wrapped by a certain day...in this new life, give yourself permission to NOT do it ALL. Choose one thing that you will commit to showing up for, and let the rest be optional. Missing the party one time doesn't mean you are never going back.
23. Go ahead be a Grinch. Yep, stomp your feet, shake your fist, and shout something inappropriate out loud. Sometimes you just have to embrace your inner green goblin to release some holiday tension!
24. Gather. Gather your friends, gather your family, gather your thoughts, gather candles, gather flowers, gather some widowed peeps...gather around you what fills your soul. Fill up, so you have fuel for the journey ahead.
25. Say YES sometimes. Struggling with the holidays may cause the desire to hibernate all season long. Some days that is just fine, other days saying yes to an invitation may be just what you need to lift your spirits. Go ahead say yes.
26. Take a moment during the holiday fray to focus on the person you are missing's LIFE, and what they added to yours. Really celebrate that for a focused moment. It can be so easy to get swallowed up by our loved ones death, that we lose track of how they lived their life. Cheers to your amazing person!
27. Weekends can be especially hard during the holiday season as "everyone" seems to be busy with family things, parties, and general merriment. Make a plan for the weekend, even if the plan is to stay in. Consciously choosing what you are doing makes a difference...and if you don't want to stay in...get out! Take a drive, go to a park, have lunch with a friend...in any case the choice is yours.
28. Go small. If you are trying to regain some holiday spirit or just muster enough for the kids, start small. Less lights, smaller tree, ten cards instead of fifty, Hanukkah gifts for only the nearest and dearest...you get the idea. You don't have to do it all, you can decide to do some.
29. Go ahead and count the days. When you think of all you have already made it through...you can do 30ish more days! Consider it a different kind of count down
30. Go Charlie Brown. Simple is beautiful.
31. Buy yourself a gift your loved one would have delighted in giving you...something just for you.
32. Share a memory of your loved one during the holidays. Out loud. With someone who loves them too.
33. Take a break. Having a hard time with a holiday task? Walk away for a minute or an hour and then try again. No one says you have to get anything done all at once!
34. Drink water, eat well...give your body what it needs to help weather the emotional days. Often easier said than done, but try to keep yourself as physically well as possible!
35. Try really hard not to imagine that everyone around you is having the holiday season of their dreams. In so many ways we are all just making our way the best we can...even those who 'appear' to have everything...or those who aren't grieving the loss of someone they love. Imagine hope.
36. These are just a few ways we have found to make the holiday season a little easier for those missing someone they love so much. For more tips, and to find a community of support for anyone grieving a loss, please visit The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation.

Hope Matters.

27

Cyna

I'm Sorry

I made a devastatingly horrible mistake today.

As is my routine, I check my Facebook each morning and send birthday wishes to all on my list.  It's always a happy or funny picture.  Something to make the birthday girl or guy smile on their special day.

This evening I received a message from the daughter of someone I wished happy birthday to recently.  She very kindly informed me that her father had passed away and sent me a link to his obituary.

My heart sank to my stomach.
How could I have been so stupid?
How could I have missed his passing?
How could I have hurt his family with my misguided birthday wishes?

I remember when Steve's first heavenly birthday rolled around and friends that we hadn't seen in ages wrote him birthday wishes on his Facebook page.  I, too, had to share the sad news with them of Steve's passing.  It was grueling.

I hope the family of my college friend forgives me for my mistake.  I hope they know how much I liked their father and how much fun he was in college.  I hope they know that I grieve with them. I hope they know that I will envelop them in prayers. I hope they find peace on this rocky journey called grief.

27
Cyna

Life Isn't Fair

Our heads know life isn't fair.  Unfortunately, our hearts still hold out hope that if we do the right things, are kind to people, and give more than we take that life will give us a "Get Out of Suffering Free" card.  Oh, how our hearts deceive us!

Sometimes...life is VERY unfair.
VERY, VERY unfair.
And when you're routinely knocked to your knees with a giant punch from the universe, it's hard to see past your pain and recognize the headache in others.

I am very ashamed to admit that I've let someone down who is going through a really tough situation in their life.

I've been so preoccupied with my own worries and anxieties and pain that I've failed to give this person the support they need.

Grief has made me selfish.  I've never been selfish before.  This realization disturbs me.

I must do better for those I love.
I will do better for those I love.

27
Cyna

It's Been One of Those Weeks

It's official.  I'm falling apart at the seams.

I've had three different doctor's appointments this week.

On Monday I was injected approximately 100 times with different venoms and shellfish while I was watched for 3+ hours for an anaphylactic reaction.  I left without incident, however all the pen marks and injection sites made me look like I had been hit repetitively with a mace and a waffle iron. Oh, the horror.

Wednesday was my annual "lady doctor" day.  My doctor is a dear friend, and I so enjoyed visiting with him.  However, the part where I had to get naked, put on a paper blanket and have my "personals" prodded and poked was a little invasive.  My good doctor wants to remove some parts...in the near future.  I kinda like my parts.  I have some decisions to make on that "end."

That very same day I made my yearly trek to the Imaging Center.  In honor of "Think Pink" month...I had my mammary glands pressed in a refrigerator door and further flattened with a vice for optimal x-ray advantage.  I'll get my results in a week.  Joy.

Today was my eye doctor's appointment.  I am pleased to report that all is well with my eyes.  However, I am a twitch more farsighted, so the strength of my mono-vision contact has been tweaked.  This appointment was gloriously brief and painless.

I'm still waiting on my rheumatologist appointment.  It was originally scheduled for December 20th...a lifetime for one with rheumatoid arthritis.  However, my incessant calling has garnered me a November appointment.  I believe if I keep calling...they will finally just get tired of me and work me in earlier...you know, the whole squeaky wheel theory.

Speaking of squeaky wheels...I blather on.  It's been a hard week, but I am blessed.  And those blessings are what keep me going...even when the going is tough.

27
Cyna

Don't Give Up

I haven't posted in a while as I've contemplated the merits of continuing my blog.  I am conflicted.

Oh, I still have so much more to say...
But should I?

Twenty-seven months ago my world came to an end.
For almost 2 years I've shared every valley...pain...fear...heartache.
The grief journey never ends.
And honest to goodness...the second year was the worst.
But I've moved into year three...
Do I need to keep telling my story?
Do I keep writing so people know how this all turns out well?

I'm not "there" yet.  I'm still looking for my path.
I guess I expected God to have landing lights on the tarmac leading me to where I should go.  I've looked for bread crumbs...inspiration from music...scripture...even lucky pennies.

Let me clue you in.
The path...my path...is crystal clear to God.
I'm either not looking or listening hard enough to find it.
But it is there.
That I know for sure.

So I won't give up.
I'll keep my ears and eyes open...and my feet moving.
And if it still helps those walking behind me, I'll keep writing.

27
Cyna

I'm Lonely

I’m lonely.

That’s probably not a shock.

I’m a widow.  It’s expected.

And don’t get me wrong.

My friends and family do their very best to make me feel included.

I also know that I could call a dozen people who would go with me to a movie, a meal, or shopping.

I love you all, but you are not my husband.

I’m like a solider who has lost a limb.

You can give me prosthesis for my loss, but it’s never the same.

It’s NEVER the same.

And I miss what I lost…feel phantom pain in it.

Several widows have mentored me, which is a blessing.

And I belong to a wonderful on-line support group where I can share my heart with fellow “amputees.”

They confirm that my feelings are normal…that I’m not crazy.

They get me and my aches because they are living it.

But nothing, NOTHING can take the place, in my life and heart, of what has been taken from me.

I am left with this unending solitude…this forever one-ness…even in a crowd.

It never ends.

I have no one to share my joys and burdens.

I have no one to bounce ideas with or share secrets.

I have no one to cuddle up against when it gets cold at night.

I have no one to look forward to seeing at the end of the day.

I can fill my waking hours with all sorts of activities,

But when I crawl into bed at night…

I am still a lonely widow missing the man who was amputated from my life.

27

Cyna  

Being Prepared for Death 101

It has been a while since I've posted.  I've been downsizing and purging and all the other headaches and heartaches that go with a move.

My Steve has been gone more than 2 years, but the red tape of his death still plagues me.  What really bothers me is that a lot of this could have been avoided if we'd done just a few minor things along the way.

My friends have encouraged me to share these, as they were completely unaware how very little things can become mountains to overcome when a spouse dies.  While it is my prayer than none reading this post will experience the untimely death of your spouse, I do want you to be informed and proactive.

1. Get every utility in BOTH your names with the word OR between them.  That includes power, water, gas, phone, cell service, alarm service, termite bond, etc.  Because all these things were in my husband's name only, I had to get them in my own name and pay a fee for my trouble.
2. Get every financial account in BOTH your names with the word OR between them.  This will include checking, savings, retirement, investments, etc.  If you don't, be prepared for a great deal of time and effort to get this settled.  Oh, and don't leave home without a death certificate and a Letters of Testamentary with you to get them in your name.
3. Get every automobile, boat, motorcycle, and property in BOTH your names with the word OR between them.  Dealing with the agencies that handle these things is a nightmare.
4. Get a will.  Today.
5. Make sure you know all your family finances...where your money is invested, how much debt you have, where all the legal papers are, and how and when bills are paid.  (Have your power turned off in the middle of a horrible thunderstorm because your late husband paid that bill by automatic bank draft and you didn't know that.)
6. Know where your tax documents are stored.  Know WHO your family accountant is and how to get in touch with them.
7. Begin NOW prepaying for your funeral...unless you have an extra $25,000 just laying around to pay that unexpected cost.  Go ahead and buy your burial plots, too.

I am sure there are more, but those are the ones that gave me the biggest challenge.  You will weather all of this.  You will learn how to handle the family finances on your own.  You will overcome all these obstacles.  However, you can make things easier for yourself by being proactive now.

27

Cyna