Happy Anniversary, Steve

Today would have been my 30^th wedding anniversary.  Steve and I were planning a special trip for this milestone.  He was always the one for grand adventures.  He broadened and expanded my life in so many ways.  Travel was just one of them. 

We were just kids when we married… broke…with minimum wage jobs…living on love.  But we knew it wouldn’t always be like this.  We had dreams.  Steve had the vision and I took care of details.  He was a risk taker and I was cautious.  He was so smart and I was organized.  Like Rocky and Adrian…we filled gaps. 

Today, I feel that gaping hole that his death left behind.  Despite knowing how our life together ended, I would live it all over again…the good, the bad, the breathtaking.  The person I am today was shaped and molded by a man that loved me more than life.  I like who I am because of him.

Dr. Seuss got it right "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

I’m smiling, Steve.  Happy anniversary.

27

Cyna

Lost and Small

I'm feeling a bit lost as I head towards my first wedding anniversary without Steve. This grief thing is so much bigger than I am and makes me feel small and vulnerable. I hate the sadness that pounces on me without warning.  I am waylaid by the lack of energy and nagging headaches. 

I wish I could tell you that I've embraced my grief and I'm "moving on," but that would be a lie.  The crushing reality of life without the great love of my life is just beginning to settle into my head.  Steve is never coming home.  Never.  But my heart listens for him still...reaches for my cell phone to tell him something...waits for him to come home each night.

I hate this grief and how it's diminishing me as a person. I know ... in my head ... that it's brought me some blessings and I’m going to survive this, but today.... I just hate it. I just want my "before" life back. I try not to go there.... to that place of wanting and longing for what I cannot have.... because I know that it is a waste of time. But in these days that is exactly how I feel.

This feeling is so difficult to describe and explain to people who haven't loved well and lost traumatically. The feeling of heaviness, of loneliness, of feeling lost. Feeling utter exhaustion and yet not being able to sleep. The feeling of feeling very, very small in this grief.

My head knows that these days will pass and thank God they are not as paralyzing as the first months after Steve's death. But my heart doesn't seem to be paying attention to my head lately.

And so I will feel what I feel.... until I don't.

Which, I hope, is soon.

27

Cyna

Fear of May

We cannot banish dangers, but we can banish fears. We must not demean life by standing in awe of death. ~David Sarnoff

May is going to be a difficult month for me. My wedding anniversary and Steve’s birth date is this month. In fact, they come back to back. As those dates creep up, I feel a rising dread. What do I do on those dates? Do I ignore them? Do I find a way to celebrate them? Do I curl up in bed and cry all day?

The uncertainty of not knowing what I should do makes me afraid. I don't like fear. It colors my life with a grim patina, which seeps into the lives of those closest to me. Frankly, I am not fun to be around when I am afraid. Just ask my sons.

Steve was not a man of fear, but of action. When I would fret and obsess over something he would ask, “What is the worst thing that could happen?” Once that fear was addressed, I could better move on to a place of strength. So, I ask myself, what is the worst thing that could happen as these momentous first dates arise? I could fall apart emotionally…. miss a day of work…. lie in bed and cry all day. Now that I say that out loud, it doesn’t sound all that bad. I went to work 3 weeks after Steve died. I’ve not missed a day all year; I do believe that people would say, “Finally…she’s taking a day for herself. It’s long overdue.”

So, what is there to fear…really? If grief hasn’t killed me by now, I’m probably going to make it. And my quote is right. I would demean Steve’s life to stand in awe of death. Steve would want me to live. LIVE. OUTLOUD!

27
Cyna

Mother's Day

The greatest gifts that Steve gave me are my sons, Paul, Adam, and Lee.  They are his living legacy.  I see so much of Steve in each of them.  Paul has his gift to see needs and meet them without fanfare or credit.  Adam has his drive and work ethic and his beautiful blue eyes.  Lee has his empathy and kindness.  My sons are growing into men that would make their father very proud.

It is difficult to parent alone.  Steve had such wisdom with the boys.  He knew how to listen and not to push.  I am a typical mother.... I am full of unwanted advice and admonitions.  I guess my worse vice is my need to ask questions.  Sons are just not forthcoming with much information...so I try to squeeze it out of them with a machine gun volley of queries.  It drives them crazy.... and I don't know how to stop.  I just want to feel like I'm a part of their life...and frankly, I feel left out.  It's always been this way.  However, they really did confide in Steve, and I felt that if I really needed to know something, he would tell me.  Now that Steve is gone, they have lost their confidant, and they have not allowed me to take his place.  Yeah, it bothers me, but it's probably merited.  I tend to overreact and fret.  

My sons are essentially men, but they are not completely self-sufficient.  They still depend on me for financial assistance, but they have long ago not needed my emotional support...or at least that is how it seems to me.  That's just something I'm going to have to deal with.

My boys do love me.  Of this, I have no doubt.  One son wrote in my Mother's Day card that, "Every day I thank God that you are my mother."  Another son wrote, "You keep me balanced and love unyieldingly; you are kind and thoughtful, and one of the most dependable souls that I know."  And the jokester son wrote on his Facebook that, "You are the best mom that I have ever had :) and I love her very very very very berry berry much!!!"

So, on this Mother's Day, I am blessed.... blessed beyond measure.

27

Cyna

I Refuse

I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it. 
~Maya Angelou

Widowhood has made me lonely, but it has not reduced the love I receive from those who care about me.

Widowhood has burdened me with responsibilities that are difficult, but I have not been reduced to a puddle of inability over it.

Widowhood has exposed my weaknesses, but it hasn't reduced my strengths.

Widowhood has changed the course of my life, but it hasn't reduced my ability to set new goals for the future.

Widowhood has changed the way I view the world, but it has not reduced my appreciation for simple beauty around me.

Widowhood has rocked my foundation, but it has not reduced my faith in God or my belief He is in complete control of my life.

Widowhood has leveled my vigor, but it has not reduced my resolve to overcome.

Widowhood has made me depend on others for help, but I have found that accepting their assistance has not reduced my pride.

Widowhood has changed every facet of my life, but I refuse to be less of a person because of my grief.

27

Cyna

The Fatigue of Grief

I am tired...all the time.  I am tired when I wake up.  I am tired throughout the day.  I am tired when I finally fall into my bed at night. I didn't realize the fatigue of grief would come now. I expected it early on, but now...10 months later...I am paralyzed by it. I can't seem to catch up.  I am slow, confused, and indecisive.... I feel like a zombie. I can no longer carry the crushing weight of my grief alone.

I've worked so persistently at being strong, and I really am strong.  But I've discovered that grief is democratic – taking the strong and the weak equally, putting us all through the same hell.  I don’t know why this fatigue has closed in on me now.  Perhaps it is my body’s way of expressing the hard work of my heart and mind.

So, I'm going to push when I can, rest when I need to, and be patient with myself when I'm not firing on all my pistons. It is my prayer that as the daily crush of mourning eases, my energy will return and I will find myself clearer than before.

27

Cyna

Praise You in this Storm

My sweet home Alabama is reeling from the devastation from the tornadoes that struck our state on Wednesday.  There has been much loss of life.  The news reported today that the destruction was worse than Katrina.  So many are homeless and displaced.  The images are grueling...it's even worse in person.

 

I have a home in Tuscaloosa that has definitely sustained damaged, but I am uncertain how much.  From aerial photos (top is before, bottom is after) I can see the structure is there, but parts of the roof is missing.  I am lucky...the buildings behind it are leveled and the homes on either side have major structural damage.  Oddly enough, my sons loaded up their belongings on Monday in a U-Haul truck and came home on Tuesday with it.  Not only were their possessions spared, but their lives as well.  I am counting my blessings.  The house is just "stuff."  My sons can't be replaced.  My boys have been inalterably affected by this disaster.  They still have missing friends...their hearts are broken. One son will leave tomorrow to be a shelter nurse in Tuscaloosa; the other will leave on Tuesday to help with the clean-up effort.  I am proud of their commitment to service. 

Here in my city, we were spared the brunt of the storm, but unfortunately the northern part of my county was not.  It is very rural and search and rescue teams are still pulling bodies out of homes and dragging the lakes and rivers for missing people.  I will be helping with efforts here by gathering clothing, non-perishable food, toiletries, etc. for those in shelters.  Our church disaster team is hard at work with chain saws and heavy equipment helping clear roads and get to houses. 

Please, please pray for the state of Alabama. It looks like a war zone. About half the state still does not have power.  What water is available may not be safe to drink.  Rural areas on well water have no water at all because of lack of power.  People affected by the power outages can not leave because gasoline is unavailable and even if it were, there would be no power to pump it.

My heart is heavy because of the death, destruction, and displacement here in Alabama.  However, I am so proud of how our citizens have stepped up and made helping a priority. Affected people haven't screamed for attention and haven't demanded government help.  They are counting their blessings for being alive and depending on friends, family, and faith based groups to help get them through this disaster. We take care of our own here in Alabama.

Despite everything, God is still in control and there is beauty in ashes.  The song "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns really says it best for me.

 

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm


27
Cyna