Saturday, May 14, 2011

Lost and Small

I'm feeling a bit lost as I head towards my first wedding anniversary without Steve. This grief thing is so much bigger than I am and makes me feel small and vulnerable. I hate the sadness that pounces on me without warning.  I am waylaid by the lack of energy and nagging headaches. 

I wish I could tell you that I've embraced my grief and I'm "moving on," but that would be a lie.  The crushing reality of life without the great love of my life is just beginning to settle into my head.  Steve is never coming home.  Never.  But my heart listens for him still...reaches for my cell phone to tell him something...waits for him to come home each night.

I hate this grief and how it's diminishing me as a person. I know ... in my head ... that it's brought me some blessings and I’m going to survive this, but today.... I just hate it. I just want my "before" life back. I try not to go there.... to that place of wanting and longing for what I cannot have.... because I know that it is a waste of time. But in these days that is exactly how I feel.

This feeling is so difficult to describe and explain to people who haven't loved well and lost traumatically. The feeling of heaviness, of loneliness, of feeling lost. Feeling utter exhaustion and yet not being able to sleep. The feeling of feeling very, very small in this grief.

My head knows that these days will pass and thank God they are not as paralyzing as the first months after Steve's death. But my heart doesn't seem to be paying attention to my head lately.

And so I will feel what I feel.... until I don't.
Which, I hope, is soon.



Donna said...

Almost six years later I still occasionally long for my "before" life. I cried tonight after taking pictures of Baylie before prom. Yet another milestone that her Dad did not live to see. I have come to accept these moments and realize that at certain points in my life I will always feel this way but it still hurts. My heart aches for you because I so understand these feelings, love you!

A Myeloma Widow's Journey said...

Feel what you feel ... until you don't. I hope that's soon, too, Cyna, but if it's not then keep talking with us over in Widowed Village. I do find it helps immensely to share this pain with others who truly understand.

God's blessing to you.

Michael said...

I realize it doesn't help much but I do pray for you. I know, as do you, that God is with you and He will see you through this. Steve was a good guy and I miss him as well.
If I can ever do anything for you or your family... well, you know.
Pastor Mike