Fear of May

We cannot banish dangers, but we can banish fears. We must not demean life by standing in awe of death. ~David Sarnoff

May is going to be a difficult month for me. My wedding anniversary and Steve’s birth date is this month. In fact, they come back to back. As those dates creep up, I feel a rising dread. What do I do on those dates? Do I ignore them? Do I find a way to celebrate them? Do I curl up in bed and cry all day?

The uncertainty of not knowing what I should do makes me afraid. I don't like fear. It colors my life with a grim patina, which seeps into the lives of those closest to me. Frankly, I am not fun to be around when I am afraid. Just ask my sons.

Steve was not a man of fear, but of action. When I would fret and obsess over something he would ask, “What is the worst thing that could happen?” Once that fear was addressed, I could better move on to a place of strength. So, I ask myself, what is the worst thing that could happen as these momentous first dates arise? I could fall apart emotionally…. miss a day of work…. lie in bed and cry all day. Now that I say that out loud, it doesn’t sound all that bad. I went to work 3 weeks after Steve died. I’ve not missed a day all year; I do believe that people would say, “Finally…she’s taking a day for herself. It’s long overdue.”

So, what is there to fear…really? If grief hasn’t killed me by now, I’m probably going to make it. And my quote is right. I would demean Steve’s life to stand in awe of death. Steve would want me to live. LIVE. OUTLOUD!

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Cyna