Thursday, June 16, 2011

Let Go

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us."
        -Joseph Campbell

This quote popped up on my iGoogle page today.  It took my breath away!  Was Mr. Campbell writing to me?

Letting go of the life Steve and I had planned together? Being hopeful for the life that is waiting for me alone?  I cannot fathom it.  Letting go of dreams is one thing, but letting go of what we had planned, how we saw our future growing old together…our sons working and self-sufficient…their marriages…grandchildren…that sailboat Steve wanted to live on…our dream trip to Antarctica.  It all went away with him…or did it?

My future is now changed.  The dreams that I had are gone.  Dare I dream new dreams and hope for a future where joy will return to my life?  It feels like a failure to let those plans and dreams wither, to know they will never come true with Steve, and when I look hopefully to the future it feels a bit like a betrayal.  How could I ever be happy another way?  

I know that I must look forward.  Being stuck in the past isn't healthy.  But sometimes my history, OUR history smacks me in the face, and causes me to stop, reflect, and question my motives for my future.  Why am I doing this?  Is this what I want or am I trying to recreate something that will never be?

I want to be happy and feel complete and content in a future I did not expect.  But this life I am living feels so foreign.  I never imagined I would be here, in this place, without Steve.  For many long months, it was more of a nightmare than a reality.

But as the nightmare fades and I inch back into reality, I face a present with no clear direction or goals.  What's next?  The future looks scary and lonely. 

So, how do I dream again?  How to I begin my new, different, and solo future? Lao Tsu said, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

It's time to take a step.


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