Feel That?

My middle son is getting married.  This past weekend they had an engagement soiree with immediate family and closest friends attending.  It was a joy to help with the preparation and planning this wonderful event.  I'm so excited to be gaining a daughter-in-love.  My heart smiled all weekend.

Now that the festivities are over, I've slumped.  The love between my son and his fiance have reminded me of the love I've lost.  Joy.  Sadness. Guilt.  The emotions jangle inside my head and heart.

God has left me here for a purpose.  My head knows that; my heart is 10 beats behind.  But my heart is beating.  I am here.  Giving up is not an option.

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Cyna

Letting Go of the Little Things

My late husband's clothes are still in his closet and chest of drawers.  It's been 20 months and nine days.  Why can't I let go of these things?

Letting go...

When is it time to let go?

Can I ever let go?

Putting to rest Steve's things is much like crossing monkey bars. I have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

But I'm not ready.  

I'm just not ready.

27

Cyna

Wait, I say...

The last two months have been a roller  coaster ride for me.  I am no less a widow now than I was a year ago, but for some reason it hurts more.  People who love and care about me are worried.  I have not been myself.  I am usually a giving and upbeat person, but the reality of my situation and the crushing weight of my responsibilities have made me myopic and cynical.  

I don't like this person I am becoming.  

Photo Credit:  John Turner

I don't like scaring my friends and not meeting their needs.

I don't like living by circumstance and not by faith.

I don't like being in stasis.

I don't like the uncertaintity of my future. 

A dear friend shared some words of wisdom about my fretting over the future…

"Remember nothing has to be planned or thought about until you are ready, and I promise girl, you will know when that is. 

You will wake up one day and say, 'Okay self, this is my life and I will be the new person that I am.  I have changed, I am different, and I am responsible for me and Gracie  [my dog] and that is it.  I will live my life one day at a time.  And I will be nice, helpful and my emotions will level out.'  

The world WILL stop spinning and you will adjust to this new roller coaster ride and things will even out.  Do not look for a reason why Steve [my late husband] is gone, but for a reason to go on.

We are all different in the way we handle our “stuff” and you will do a great job at your “stuff” when you realize you can really do this.  You will enjoy new things, different things. Do not overwhelm yourself with plans, plans, plans.  

Take time for You.  Always make time for you."

Reflection has made me realize that I am running way ahead of God hoping He will catch up with my plans.  The fact is, God doesn't hurry just because I am impatient.

Photo Credit:  Project 365 Challenge

I have heard it said that the scriptures speak to us, but the Psalms speak for us.  "Wait upon the Lord: be of good  courage, and He shall strengthen your heart:  wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalm 27:14

Every question that has been on my heart of late is answered in that passage:

What will my future bring?  Wait on the Lord.

When will my grieving end?  Wait on the Lord.

How will I ever survive in this world without my life mate?  Wait on the Lord.

How do I handle this situation that is weighing heavy on my heart?  Wait on the Lord.

I know that my answers are not coming tomorrow, but I do know that the strength that God has promised to me as I wait is certain.  God is never late and He is never insufficient.

Oh, Father, give me the wisdom to wait on You.

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Cyna

Reflections on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day.
It's a day that those who are alone dread.
I was no exception.
I decided to pretend it was just any old day.

But it was not to be...

You see, son #1 showed up at my school with roses and candy for me.
Ah...
The joy of being remembered.
The blessing of being loved.

Then son #2, who was vacationing with his girlfriend in New York, sent a three word text...
"So, I'm engaged."
Oh.
Double oh.

This is the woman I prayed for to be my son's life mate.
She completes him in every way.
She is kind, positive, forward thinking and caring.
I will be honored to be her mother-in-love.


A day I dreaded turned out to be a day full of blessings.
My heart is full.

An Open Letter to Myself

Dear Me, 

You don't have to put so much pressure on yourself. You don't have to know right now what is next, how it is all going to work out and where you will be a year from now. 

Trying so hard to have all of it figured out can be exhausting, discouraging and even paralyzing. What if today, we just decide that where we are RIGHT NOW is exactly where we are supposed to be, and that knowing that is enough. What if we let the need to control go and if we let the need to know every piece of the plan go, and if we let attachments to specific outcomes go. 

What if we just TRUST? 

We can do our best to make plans, goals and strategies. Those are all very good things. When goal making stops feeling peaceful, when it stops feeling like progress, when it stops feeling right and starts feeling yucky, we need to really examine when its time to let go and just trust. 

Everything always works out somehow. It just does. Be at peace. You are so very blessed.

Sincerely,

Me

MOVE

I've really been in a low place the last few weeks.  There's nothing like the bottom of a pit to bring you to your knees.  And for me, that where I needed to be.  You see, I've been leaving God out of my healing equation.  I've been slack in my daily time with Him and my meditation on His Word.

Yesterday, my daily devotion from Luke reminded me ONE thing is needful in my life - to sit at the feet of Jesus and hear His word.  Everything else is a distraction that pulls me away from this base need.

On my way to work today, I heard a song by Mercy Me entitled "Move."  I think those words were written for me.  Take the time to view the video below.

My devotion tonight confirmed the words of the song to be true.  In Romans 8:18 Paul says, "I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

In my last post, I wrote about closed doors, but God is telling me to look joyfully, expectantly forward, despite the fact I have closed doors in my life.  I cannot conceive of a happiness so deep, a pleasure so complete, a glory so glorious that my grief here is swallowed up by it. I just have to believe it.  

God, I'm trying.

Be patient with me...I'm a slow learner.

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Cyna

Closed Door

It's getting harder and harder to write blog posts. 

I don't want to share what's on my heart because it's not positive.

I'm in a slump...a blue season. 

I can't really describe it, but I'm pulling inward. 

It's like I want to disappear.

I adopted the word PURPOSE for 2012.

I hoped it would make me look beyond my loss

and find something to look forward to instead

of looking back all the time.

But this new year has not been kind to me.

I see no purpose for me.

I am shrinking an inch at a time.

I realized that I am alone most of the time.

Even though my sons live with me

they have their on lives and I am only

marginally included.

When they are financially independent

they will leave me too.

They talk of far away places...

Then I will be completely alone.

I didn't know what a huge part of me died with Steve.

There is nothing that will ever bring that back to me.

I will never be the same again.

I will walk alone the rest of my life.

I will keep all my secrets inside.

I will tackle all my battles solo.

I'm a widow.

I'm a widow.

My door is closed.

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Cyna