Saturday, June 9, 2012

Present Grief

It's been a long time since I've posted.
I really didn't have anything I wanted to share.
Well, I had a lot to say, but nothing anyone wanted to hear...or read.

I survived another round of special events without my birthday, our anniversary, his birthday, and my youngest son's graduation from college.  Frankly, I just didn't want to post how I was feeling.  People expect me to be finding a new balance in my new normal.  I didn't want to disappoint with bellyaching about my grief.

I've used busyness to hide my feelings, but now, school is out.  I have hours and hours of free time.  I have no plans for the summer.  No exotic adventures...good gravy, I can't even focus on a book long enough to finish it.  Oh, I made lists of all the things I NEED to do...even some things I want to do, but I just don't have the energy or motivation.  I'd rather sleep late and do nothing.  It's just easier that way.

I'm sad.
I'm lonely.
I miss my husband.
No matter how much stuff I stuff into my days,
I still come home to an empty bed.
I still face the world and all its barbed wire alone.

I am failing at life.
I am fading in life.
And it sucks a lot.

Robert Frost wrote, "The best way out is always through."
Well, I'm slogging through quicksand, thankyouverymuch, Mr. Frost.



Teri said...

You will make it through. I had many non-working days that I stayed in bed almost all day. Then, you get to a point when you are ready to move forward, to live out some of your dreams, without guilt. Have you seen the blog Widows Christian Place and their private "lifeboat" on facebook.

Gigi said...

Oh honey...I can SO relate. I lost MY beloved Steve on November 9, 2008 to Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. One day shy of four months after diagnosis. He was my world...and life has not - can never - be the same again.

How are you?

Wishing you peace and many blessings.


Anonymous said...

Just found this today. Hoping you are doing a bit better. I'm grieving the loss of my brother.