Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Turn the Page

"One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us."  
~Michael Cibenko

How do I move forward when I am so rooted in the past?  Every memory, every event, every milestone, every special date, every life changing moment has my husband in it. How do I embrace my memories without allowing them to be a cage that traps me in the past and robs me of a future? I cannot erase 34 years of my life…those years have molded me and made me into the person I am today. 

It is hard to envision a future without Steve in it.  Our life together wasn’t perfect, but it was good.  I knew at the end of the day that I was loved, protected, and trusted by him.  Now I face the long stretch of life without him.  It is daunting…frightening…seemingly impossible.  And yet, I press on.

Friends advise me that I will find a new normal.  I’m not there yet.  Nothing is normal.  The grief is too fresh…the wounds are too deep…and there are estate and legal affairs not in order.  I keep telling myself…when this happens…then I’ll begin to live again.  When this happens, I can get on with my life.  When this happens, I’ll make some major but necessary decisions regarding finances and property.  There are too many “whens”…   I’m waiting for Paul Harvey to say, “And now…for the rest of the story…”

I have chosen to live, but I’m not really living….yet.  I know that God has the rest of my story already written.  I need to get the courage to turn the page and start reading.


1 comment:

Miss. Him said...

I feel the exact same Cyna. I feel like my life cannot move forward without my husband but then I look at my little daughter and realize how much she has grown and developed in the last 41 days without him. Life does go on...but I am not ready.