Second Angelversary

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”  

Washington Irving~

Yesterday was the second anniversary of Steve's death.  There was an outpouring of love from my friends and family.  A friend kept me occupied all day so that I would not lay in my bed and feel sorry for myself.  She and I reminisced about Steve...laughed over the funny things he would do and say.  We talked about what we missed most about him.  It was a positive remembrance.  I was able to remember Steve with joy instead of tears.  

 

The longer Steve is gone, the more I am able to focus on all the great memories we made together.  Our life together wasn't perfect, but it was imperfectly perfect for us.  I was so blessed for the time I had with him.  I am choosing to remember his life rather than his death...his accomplishments...his quirky sense of humor...his generosity...his eternal optimism...his passion for life...his love for his family...his devotion to me...his unshakable faith.

This would be how Steve would want to be remembered.

And I honored him on his angelversary by doing exactly that.

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Cyna

I Am Not There

On July 5th my husband will be gone 2 years.  Two years!  I'm still looking at the door, waiting for him to come home.  It's just not real...

Someone said to me yesterday, "Steve would want you to be happy...enjoy life."  She is right.  My head knows this, but my heart says, "But how can I be happy and enjoy life without Steve?"

I found this poem on the internet.  It really spoke to me...spoke for Steve.  These things I need to hold in my head until my heart catches up.

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Cyna

`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'`'~,.,~'

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I AM NOT THERE

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush,

Of quiet birds circled flight

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry. 

I am not there. I did not die.

                        

                                - Robert Hepburn (In Memory of Norbert C. Gessner)

Fifty Shades of Magic Mike

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Many of my friends have been reading with much enthusiasm the Fifty Shades of Grey series.  It is the hottest topic where ever two or more ladies are gathered.  And today, the long hyped movie Magic Mike hit theaters across America.  As I was walking in the mall today, I saw the ladies lined up in droves to see it.

Where does the widow fit in to this frenzy?  I do not intend to read the books or see the movie.  Why would I put myself through that?  I have enough reminders that I am alone.

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There is no substitution for the physical and emotional intimacy of your spouse.  Movies and books pale in comparison.

So, I will continue to be Fifty Shades of Alone...and there is no magic in that.

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Cyna

Every Wall is a Door

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I took a step of faith and jumped off the edge of my comfort zone and took a chance on two things this month.  One was a great success and I will blog on that later...


The other...not a success...
But not a failure, either.
It has been a dead end for me.  For now.




Yes, I am disappointed.
Yes, I have lots of questions beginning with the word "WHY."
But I am happy for the person who was successful.
And she will have no bigger supporter than me.


I went into this leap of faith knowing that there were no guarantees.  
I knew that my skills, experience and dedication were not enough.
But I still had high hopes.


But God has a better plan for me.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best...
"Every wall is a door."


I'm anxiously awaiting my door.


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Cyna

The Problem with Facebook

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Facebook.

Unless you live under a rock, you either know what it is or actively have an account.

Both my late husband and I had a Facebook account.  I've continued using Facebook since his death, but now I face a dilemma.  My account still says married...and while I still feel married...in reality, I am not.  If I change my status to widow, I lose access to my late husband's account.

Facebook does offer the option of turning my late husband's page into a "In Memory Of..." page, but they don't offer to option of me being listed as his widow.

And so...my page still says "married to"... and it will until Facebook comes up with a solution that meets my need to stay connected to my late husband's page.

It's one of those things I just can't let go of...

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Cyna

Lessons from a Wise Man

My youngest son lost a mentor and friend this last week.  Due to his age, a ripe old 92, and declining health, his passing was not unexpected, however the loss still had an impact on my child.

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My son, Lee, attended a university 5 hours away from home.  His roommate and his family have become near and dear to him.  They have unofficially adopted him into their clan.  They have provided love, wisdom, intervention, and hope for my child.  I can say, without a doubt, that not only would my son not have graduated without their support, he would not have survived his father's death without them.

Lee's roommate's grandfather took a special interest in him...especially after my husband's death.  Lee needed a man guiding his life...someone close, impartial, wise.  My father has been gone 17 years...I have no brothers.  "Granddaddy" Callary filled that gap.  And I will be eternally grateful for the difference he made in Lee's life.

It is no coincidence that God placed Lee at the university he attended...nor was it a coincidence that he placed him with the perfect roommate...who had a family with love enough to go around to adopt a another son & grandson.

God is good all the time.

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Cyna

Present Grief

It's been a long time since I've posted.
I really didn't have anything I wanted to share.
Well, I had a lot to say, but nothing anyone wanted to hear...or read.

I survived another round of special events without my husband...my birthday, our anniversary, his birthday, and my youngest son's graduation from college.  Frankly, I just didn't want to post how I was feeling.  People expect me to be finding a new balance in my life...my new normal.  I didn't want to disappoint with bellyaching about my grief.

I've used busyness to hide my feelings, but now, school is out.  I have hours and hours of free time.  I have no plans for the summer.  No exotic destinations...no adventures...good gravy, I can't even focus on a book long enough to finish it.  Oh, I made lists of all the things I NEED to do...even some things I want to do, but I just don't have the energy or motivation.  I'd rather sleep late and do nothing.  It's just easier that way.

I'm sad.
I'm lonely.
I miss my husband.
No matter how much stuff I stuff into my days,
I still come home to an empty bed.
I still face the world and all its barbed wire alone.

I am failing at life.
I am fading in life.
And it sucks a lot.

Robert Frost wrote, "The best way out is always through."
Well, I'm slogging through quicksand, thankyouverymuch, Mr. Frost.

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Cyna